The mind can be a real trickster, sometimes.
I was talking to my therapist the other day. Work is going well. My relationships are going well. I’m enjoying my friendships. The political world is awful but I have hope for the future.
“So why are you so anxious?” he asked me.
Good question. I thought about it and said…
“Because whenever things are going well, I always have the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. It’s like I don’t deserve to be happy.”
My therapist lives in South London, where I’m from. His name is Wayne, and I’ve stuck with him for the last five years over Skype because he tells it like it is. I’ve had nine therapists over the years. But when I found him, I knew it was the right fit.
“That’s the problem,” he said. “You can earn a thousand dollars before breakfast. You’re a yoga teacher. You’re married to a beautiful woman you love. You live in the West f__king Village. And you don’t think you deserve any of it.”
Sound familiar?
I don’t want to sound like a jerk, I said. Albeit in fruitier language.
“You’re not a cough cough [jerk],” he said. “But what would it take for you to feel like you deserved any of the success that you’ve worked for?”
Good question.
Let’s explore it on the yoga mat.
Also: You deserve your success. I promise. And if it’s so easy for me to tell you that, then why is it so hard for me to say it to the mirror?
Love from
Matt
🙏
P.S. There’s two things I like, on this score. One. Rudyard Kipling’s poem “IF”, about all the qualities that define “manhood.” Admittedly, Kipling was writing from a colonial perspective and not exactly a feminist, either. I love that he defines manhood as the will to say “hold on”, even in difficult circumstances. But how healthy is that? What about letting go and chilling out, a bit. Being less tough on yourself? It’s certainly not what men have been teaching each other about what matters for generations. But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s why we live less long. Two. This gospel song. It’s had 115 million views and let’s be honest, it’s not exactly Metallica. It’s actually tough for me to get through the whole thing without cringing. But the lyric, “you deserve it”, is aimed at God. If you can’t get there thinking you deserve to be happy, I figure, then at least you can feel like something is deserving of your praise. I also have a hard time believing in God, most days. But at least there are gospel songs you can play occasionally. And I only realized I was into the spiritual possibilities of yoga, really, when I realized how guilty I feel about not believing in God, most of the time. To quote Wayne, I guess I’d ask myself: “What’s that about?” Anyway. You deserve it. Whether you’re a believer, or an atheist, someone from South London, even, or what. That’s the point.
P.P.S. In the mood for something different? Check out my archive of free yoga classes! You can forward this email to a friend and they can sign up for free weekly yoga emails here. I love you! You’re awesome! Namaste!
