A former high school friend of mine, Ed, ran 68 miles this past weekend. He was shooting for 100, in an ultra-running event in New Zealand.
Why on earth would anybody want to do that?
Like high school friends tend to, Ed and I go back about 25 years. He was the first person I ever got drunk with. We went to a Blur concert together, and were often around the same mixture of mutual friends around Croydon. Like me, he’s since gone through a few career transitions, spending the last decade or so promoting sport to young people. And, of course, moving to New Zealand. He’s also got married and had some children.
A mutual friend of mine mentioned in a text this weekend that Ed was being hard on himself for only running 68 miles of the 100, and so I sent Ed a message quoting Michael Jordan. Jordan said the reason he won so often was that he’d failed so often, and I love it:
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Then we got on a WhatsApp call and chatted about the race. Here’s a transcript of our conversation, edited for clarity. Big love to Ed and huge support for him. What an inspiration. And congratulations again, Ed!
Ed What time is it there?
Matt It’s four o’clock in the afternoon and it’s like nine 15 there in the morning tomorrow?
Ed Correct!
Matt Alright. Let’s do 15 minutes so you can get back to your job. Why on earth would you want to run a hundred miles, Ed?
Ed To see my response at the moment of adversity. Often in life, the decisions are too easy at work or at home. And so I want to run when it’s stripped back and you’re struggling and no one’s going to come in to help you. It’s really interesting to test how you do respond, and not how you think you want to respond to that. And it’s about really testing your motivation, which is why you have to be quite clear on why you’re doing something. So for me, there’s been times when things have been really hard in the past. And, you know, in reflection, I’m not always proud of my response. Now I’m proud of how I respond to adversity, and that wouldn’t have to be about running, that could be as a parent, at work, etc. So this was a way of getting way out of my comfort zone and just testing that response and being proud of it. That’s the personal development piece, and the other piece is just getting to see incredible country with headspace to reset.
Matt Yeah. So you did manage 68 miles of the 100 ?
Ed I don’t know what it is in miles, but one hundred and ten km of the 160km, so that would be about 68, wouldn’t it?
Matt And that’s amazing. How did you respond at the moment of adversity?
Ed So that’s interesting. You can do the math on it but I got about kilometer eighty, not really suffering. I was like, “this is easier than a training run.” And then I had about six hours of suffering, of nausea, vomiting, pain, sprained my ankle. I did the night on my own. And it was very interesting. I coped well to a point, but eventually “the voice” won. So the whole battle for me is mindfulness. Like, “you can take a step forward, you can do another 100 yards.” But the thought of doing another 50 miles is , eventually…yeah. So I managed to keep that voice or talk back, or whatever it might be, I managed to win that battle with that voice for a long time. But eventually the voice got too much. I was pretty beat-up physically and got through it. You know, I was staying very present, staying grateful. So I was remembering my mantra is why I was doing it, very disciplined. But eventually I got into this mental state and the mental fatigue stopped the discipline of not allowing me to think “I’ve got 50 more.” And when I couldn’t get past, “I’ve got 50 more km,” suddenly the realization of the pain you’re in becomes bigger. When you start to think about the scale of it, it’s like “I can’t continue that suffering for that long.” If i could have stayed in the moment I could have suffered it. So I feel like I just mentally fatigued to the point where I didn’t have the discipline or toolkit to push through the pain.
Matt So talk to me about your pain, talk to me about your mantras. You said your reasons for doing it, your motivations. What were those?
Ed Yeah, there’s one around family, of proudness, and example. I really just want to showcase to my children to be brave, to step up to anything that they want to achieve and not be limited by the opportunity of failure. I believe if you want something enough, you’ve got a very good chance of getting it. Yeah. Before lockdown, I think the longest run I went on was a 10K in February last year (2020). The idea of running a 100k, you know, going up, is ludicrous to a lot of people. But if you’re clear on what you want, then it’s the same with studies or jobs. When I was young, I wasn’t clear enough on what I was doing. And that’s how I was with studies or career or whatever. But when you’re focused on why you want to do something, and you believe in it, I want to show the kids to apply themselves and to be brave and to try that. So that’s a big one for me. The second thing was I wanted to be proud of myself. I’m very proud of myself from 30 years onwards. And I want to cement that. I’m very proud of how I respond to every situation and I really like to reinforce that. And then I reinforce that position of being proud of my identity. And that’s really important to me, to be proud that I am who I aspire to be. You know. I want to live up to that mantra. Those two pieces were big. Example to family and pride in myself.
Matt A mutual friend of ours mentioned to me when you finished that you were, in the immediate aftermath, quite hard on yourself. You were annoyed at yourself for only doing one hundred and ten. And I heard that and I thought, “well that’s ridiculous.” You know, it’s incredible that you’ve done this. Can you talk to me a bit about that? And has your mindset shifted since? Are you letting go of that hardness on yourself?
Ed So there were three circuits. And I did two. And I was sitting on a stool at the end of the second one, like tears in your eyes, knowing what I needed to do. And I was bloody-minded, that success was completion, in my mind. Success was completion. That’s where I was at. And anything less? I was putting down to quitting, you know, which is not a very healthy mindset. Because if you don’t have the tools, that’s the point where you fail. You know, you didn’t invest in setting yourself up to succeed. And I’m in this headspace now where I’m actually really incredibly proud of how I responded with the tools I gave myself. What I didn’t have was enough experience in dealing with adversity in these events. And I had a small gap in my training, which I have identified now as well. So with the tools I had, you know, as a newbie to doing the hardest ultramarathon in the southern hemisphere, I did incredibly well. Only half the field finished. And I’m proud of where I am now, and I don’t see it as quitting. I exited where the sum of my inputs took me to. And I was at the max, you know, but at the time when I finished, it was…I couldn’t get my head around why I couldn’t resist and push on. I felt like you should be able to ignore the pain and go on, but that’s not humanly possible unless you have a bigger “why”, or you have more experience. And I don’t know what the bigger “why” would have had to be, because I, you know, had taken six hours of being battered, like, properly battered.
Matt Yeah. To be honest, I think that the fact that you chose to stop probably shows more courage in some ways than if you had carried on and like, completely broken yourself. And despite that voice in your head, that was like, “this is a failure.” You know, “this isn’t success.” You managed to exit. So I don’t know, I just want to reframe that for folks reading this, really. And my reaction to it was, well, it’s good that Ed exited rather than just carrying on past the point where it was sensible.
Ed You know, in these events, you have to lose your ego. Yes, like yourself as a sportsperson. But lose the ego or your ego will destroy you. And so this was all summed up at the end of the race. One of the organizers came over to me and said to me, “there’s also a race for 110k. That’s still a massive race that many people enter. Like, you want a medal for that? Because you completed that?” And I’m looking at him, and then his wife pops up and she’s like, “you still got a f***ing ego, haven’t you.” And you know, I was just smiling at her and she said, “oh, wait, tell me exactly about the message you’re trying to send your kids in your car at this moment. Hmm? What message do you want to send by not taking this medal?” And we had like a standoff for about three minutes, just looking at each other. And in the end I bowed my head and took the medal. Because you know, you’ve got to accept that. I still did amazingly. That was a really defining moment. I was really proud of that moment. I went back to the car to celebrate the medal with the kids. So I thought, “get the f**k over yourself.” You know?
Matt That’s brilliant. Yeah. You know, it’s funny. I was just thinking, most of the people who do these are men right now? I didn’t see any women in the pictures online.
Ed Actually, it used to be. But a lot of the best athletes in the world now are women. And three of the top six finishers were women here. It’s about mental discipline. Courtney Dauwalter from the US is a huge hero of mine and I love the way she beats all the guys.
Matt And so is there something about masculinity? Some toxicity? There’s something negative about that voice that says, “crush it down. Just carry on.” Doesn’t seem terribly helpful. I mean certainly a lesson we were taught at school, like, you know, “just crush down any weakness, carry on.” And it isn’t terribly helpful if you’re going to achieve these kinds of things?
Ed Yeah, a lot of times I went into it like that. If there’s pain, just go through it. I think the skill is understanding your reality and navigating it, not trying to just bully yourself. And those who were successful in the race were humble, respectful of the mountain. And patient. Present. They enjoyed the process. Those who failed, it was like a battle for them. And eventually? Most people lose the battle.
Matt Yeah, so you’re going to do it again?
Ed I haven’t decided. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I would have liked, and I love running. So if I did it again, I would want to have the mental skills to enjoy the run.
Matt And how are you going to do that?
Ed I have to have the mental tools to stay more present. It’s a beautiful landscape and you’ve got the privilege of being there on your own. What is not enjoyable is thinking “I have 30 hours of time”.
Matt Yeah, I hate to say it because it’s going to sound self-centered because I teach yoga sometimes but, you know, yoga is very good for being comfortable with discomfort and being present. I don’t know what your regimen is going to be, but to get comfortable with that. Do you have a sense of what you might do to get comfortable with discomfort?
Ed Think it needs practice. I think you need to get to that stage. So if that’s yoga and meditation, whatever that might be. But there was a huge spiritual challenge, to being on your own for 48 hours. And it’s a lot of time with the voice. You know, everyone has a voice and a narrative in their head. And if that narrative is not healthy, eventually it will determine your route. And so the narrative in my head was my biggest obstacle in that race because the narrative started to…the doubts in my head. And I’m not sure how to solve it. That is the piece that I would address. I think I will go back to this particular race because I started to think, “hmm, well, why do I want to do it?” And I have started something with this race. And that may still be ego. But in my mind, I’m not finished with the event.
Matt You know what I think? I think that’s the crux of it. I think that to get ready to do this again, you need to get to peace with the idea that you may fail it again.
Ed Right? And if I was to talk to anyone in business, if there’s not a high chance you’re going to fail, or you’re not scared of it, why are you doing it? You know, the returns aren’t big enough. And so I feel like within five days, my headspace is good. You know. I’ve analyzed where I came short, I’m proud of that. I would like to try and equip myself to go back and again apply myself 100 percent and see where that gets me. Because I feel like I have the capability to complete it, but not at the detriment to me. I would like to write myself a letter for when I get to this stage next year. To talk to myself after those two laps.
Matt And what does that letter say? Are you being kind to yourself?
Ed It’s a clear-thinking voice. And not myself with no sleep after 24 hours. Because the sleep deprivation is hard.
Matt It’s such a pleasure catching up and I’m really, really amazed at what you’ve done. So hopefully we’ll share this and it will give people a chance to read about what you did. And that’ll be a nice thing for everybody.
Ed I think I was pretty tough on myself but after about 40 hours after finishing the race, I am very, very conscious of trying to be kind to myself.
Matt One quick last thing. Last thing before you go. You said you are very proud of yourself from age 30. You just grew up? What happened?
Ed It is not something I would normally discuss but I just feel like I was escaping the whole time. I don’t think I was ever confident enough to set my own path. At school, I wasn’t clear. I was lost, I was already told why, and what, I was meant to be doing. During my 20s I was a little unhappy in my life. So I tried to distract myself. I only got strategic, and clear on what I want to be and what I want to achieve when I was 30. I just didn’t feel like I equipped myself in any way to think with clarity. About who I am, and what I want to be. I was just on a conveyor belt. Go to university, get a well-paying job in London. And none of that aligned with anything that I wanted. And so, my default would be to distract myself every moment I could, on every weekend, and only when I got comfortable enough to be myself. To travel and work and try different things, and not care what others think about me. That’s when it changed. When I started thinking about, “have I made good decisions?” You know?
Matt Well, I’ll tell you. You may not want that discussed. But I’m going to put it in the piece and I’ll send it to you, and you can edit it out. But I think if you’re trying to send a good message to your children, that’s the one they need to hear more than anything.
Ed That’s fair. I feel very happy in life and am really proud of what I am achieving. That’s where I want to be, you know, and I want my children to feel that way as a 15-year old girl or a 14-year old boy. To feel empowered enough to do what they believe, and not follow the crowd. That’s my message to them.
Matt Brilliant. Fantastic. I think that’s perfect.
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